I am sharing another post from Pam (his wife) about how he is doing. There have been ups and downs in this 17 month journey and the journey is coming to an end. Please pray for the family as they wait for that call about their dad/husband/son/brother. If you would like to read previous posts from Pam to learn more about Michael you may do so by clicking here. (I hope it works)
This is the hymn that came to mind after I wrote last night's carepage. Then my dad quoted it to me today as well. The chorus is my prayer for Michael and what I once again today told him.
"Oh soul, are you weary and troubled? No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Savior, And life more abundant and free!"
There's light for a look at the Savior, And life more abundant and free!"
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."
look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."
"Thru death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion
For more than conq'rors we are!
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion
For more than conq'rors we are!
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."
look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."
The Jordan is rising for Michael. His kidney function is decreasing. His blood pressure is dropping. (58/40something when the kids and I left this afternoon.) He has a fever. I have instructed the doctors to provide comfort care and stop treating with antibiotics. No amount of antibiotic is going to restore lung and kidney function. Our goal is to keep Michael comfortable. I erased the previous goals on the whiteboard. Caleb and I were alone in the room and we decided we could erase "passive range of motion" because Michael will soon be running in heaven. We erased "get up in stretcher chair" because we remember Christ telling the lame man to take up his pallet and walk. Caleb and I think Michael can throw the stretcher chair out the window because they surely aren't needed in glory. I erased the goal "get off the vent" and asked Caleb what we should write up on the board for a new goal for his dad. These are his words.
"Finish the race!"
My heart is breaking that our thirteen year old son has to see his daddy die. My heart thrills that our thirteen year old son believes his daddy's next goal should be to finish the race. Please, please pray that God protects the tender souls of these children.
I think about how one of my BSF teaching leaders told us that when we get to heaven and cross the finish line we don't want to have any reserve left. We don't want to coast or jog across the line. We need to expend every ounce of strength that we have to finish and to then to collapse, completely spent in the arms of our faithful Savior, having given Him our all. I see Michael doing just that.
And it hurts more than I can begin to find words for. The waters of grief and pain are approaching the necks of the children and I and our families. I'm clinging to the verse in Scripture which tells God's people that though the waters rise to our chins they will not sweep over us.
The kids and I spent almost four hours with Michael today. They each got to take as much time as they wanted to say, "See you later" to their daddy. We took pictures of each of them hugging and kissing him. Michael's sweet nurse took a picture of all six of us together. I believe it will be our last family picture. It makes my heart ache to hear Micah say, "I'll miss you dad." To see Abby who is still just a little baby-girl in many ways leaning in and saying, "See you later" then turn to me and smile and say, "Or it could be 'See you later, alligator". To see Caleb lay on his dad's chest and sob for ten minutes. To see Grace smile and say, "Love you, daddy." It hurts.
Please pray for me as I meet to make funeral arrangements tomorrow morning. After spending five years in BSF leadership with my friend Rachel, I never expected she'd be walking through these plans with me, but how thankful I am that she is. God has sent our lives down very different paths which are now converging again in His providence.
The kids gathered tonight to choose which tie they want Michael to wear. They each took some favorite ties from Michael's closet for themselves to keep. Grace chose the purple one she picked out for Michael a couple years ago. She is quite sure her future husband will wear it. It's an emotionally draining mix of sorrow and silliness over here. There was an automated phone call message on our machine today reminding us of Michael's scheduled follow up appointment with his neurologist. Grace said, "Well, if he's in heaven already he's not coming back for it!" They are kids dealing with giant life issues. So we laugh a little bit and then lay on the bed and talk and cry for ten to fifteen minutes. We are thinking of buying stock in Kleenex we've gone through so many.
Caleb is now in procession of his dad's phone. After the accident the kids were very concerned about their dad's phone. I think they have strong memory attachments having seen Michael use his phone so much. They were wondering what I was going to do with it. I told them I would just keep it. Caleb had asked if I was going to keep it and give it back to dad when he came home. I told him by time dad came home he would want a newer model phone. Caleb asked if he could have his dad's old phone then. I said, "Sure." Tonight Caleb said to me, "Mom, since dad is going to his real home in a way, can I have his phone?" So, while there is no service on the phone, it belongs to Caleb now.
We stopped at rehab to pick up Michael suit to get it dry cleaned as well as a poster Grace had made for him there and never got to show him. She and I quietly snuck in and out without meeting anyone. (I had asked the other kids in the van to pray for strength for me so that I wouldn't seep out of the building in a puddle of tears.) We grabbed a couple of Michael's stuffed animals too and each of the kids is now the owner of one of them.
My biggest prayer requests are that God makes His perfect timing clear beyond any questioning and for spiritual protection, especially for the kids. I will admit that I have many fears for how the enemy will try to use this in their lives. I know that many of you have been faithfully praying specifically for each of them by name and have experienced increasing promptings to fervent prayer. I am so thankful. Please continue. Pray for strength for me because I feel sick to my stomach and wish I could crawl right out of my skin. I can't imagine a possible forty more years of my life without Michael at my side in any capacity.
I can't put into words the pain that is present, the multitude of unanswered questions and lurking fears. I can't end this post though without telling you that the only thing I am sure of is that God is good and all His plans are for our good and His glory. It is agony to live this experience on earth but I do believe in heaven we will rejoice over it. It just seems that heaven is so close for Michael and such a long way off for the rest of us who love him so much.
